The Right Way to Encourage

Children have an innate need for our approval. Young children especially, like to see their parents smile of approval when they have done something, they themselves are proud of. It is easy to praise children when they have done something good. For the past few decades, parents have been taught that praise is good and necessary for encouraging positive behaviors in children. It is also easy to offer rewards, also known as bribes, to help motivate children to do things that they would not normally do on their own. These methods, however good the intentions, only serve to motivate the child for a short period of time. According to Nelsen et al (2007), it teaches them to rely on external judgments rather than “their internal wisdom and self-judgment” (p. 27). In fact, the message we send to our children when we praise is that they are not good enough if they haven’t done something great or wonderful. It also leads them believe that they should be paid to do anything we ask of them, even if that task is something that benefits themselves. It feeds their sense of entitlement- a widespread concern with today’s youngsters.

Studies, such as the one in the following video, have shown that the way we praise and offer rewards to our children can greatly influence what they accomplish in their lifetime.

 There’s a difference between evaluative praise and praise that encourages. Evaluative praise uses words like: awesome, great, marvelous, fantastic, excellent, amazing… It labels the child as smart, intelligent, beautiful, talented and so on, and offers little by way of consolation when they are struggling or when they make mistakes. Furthermore, it does nothing to encourage the child to take on challenges and opportunities for growth. Rather, in a study called “The Praise Puzzle”, it was demonstrated that evaluative praise contributes to a fixed mindset that leads children to play it safe and only do things that they already know they can be successful at. It puts them in a bad situation when they make mistakes, because if they did not do well, then it must mean that they are no longer smart, or as smart as they thought they were.

Two other kinds of praise: descriptive praise and appreciative praise, are more suitable to encouraging the child to value their individuality. Descriptive praise describes the child’s effort and the result of that effort. It makes the child feel good about themselves, helping them to recognize that their results are directly related to their effort. Appreciative praise couples descriptive praise together with helping the child see how his actions affects others. These kinds of praises also help children to view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow rather than something to feel ashamed of (Nelsen et al. 2007).

American author and lecturer, Alfie Kohn, challenges even praise and rewards as something done to kids to get them to comply with our wishes. He argues that praise manipulates children, creates praise junkies, steals a child’s pleasure, leads to loss of interest and reduces achievement. 

Consider the following alternatives:

Say This	Not That
I see you brought your Physics grade up from a D to a C. You must feel good that the extra time you spent practicing this week is helping	Good job. This is better.
I can tell that you are proud of your accomplishment and the hard work you put into your Spanish project. I’m glad that your teacher allowed you to bring it home like you wanted. What do you like most about it?...	Great job on your project!
Thanks for helping your friends move. You gave up your opportunity to sleep in on such a cold Saturday morning. I was impressed at how quickly it was all done.	You’re so kind and helpful.
When I came downstairs this morning, the first thing I noticed was that I could not smell the litter box. I knew instantly that you followed through last night and cleaned the litter box before going to bed. Thank you for doing that. The room smells so much better.	Awesome! You finally cleaned the litter box!

It is not likely that parents are going to stop praising their children. “We are a praise-addicted culture,” says Dweck, which is why we should practice descriptive and appreciative praise. Kohn on the other hand is a proponent of working with kids by engaging them in conversation. More than praise, children need feedback.

As seen in the examples above: “Providing helpful, detailed, encouraging feedback and appreciation requires paying attention to what kids are doing, and listening to what they are saying. This takes time and energy.” (Santaniello).

  

References

Kohn, A. (2001) “Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” Young Children. Retrieved from https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/

MindShift. “Growth Mindset. The Difference Between Praise and Feedback” Retrieved from https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/34778/the-difference-between-praise-and-feedback

Midwinter, A. (2016, Feb. 9). Growth mindset and effective praise. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yct0VLJG4M8

Nelsen, J., Lott, L., & Glenn S. 2007. Positive Discipline (A-Z) 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems. (3^rd ed.) New York: Three Rivers Press.

Pocock, J. (2017) “Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?” Education Society. Retrieved from https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/

Santaniello, A. 2012. “The Praise Puzzle: How to Motivate Kids to Be Successful.” Retrieved from https://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2012/11/15/the-praise-puzzle-how-to-motivate-kids-to-be-successful/

Taylor, J. (2009) “Parenting: Don’t Praise Your Children! “Good Job!” is the worst kind of praise. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children